Posted by: janedb | April 7, 2013

Break Before 3 round of Treatment

From the clinic visit on the 29th November to the 17th November I had a break between cycles of treatment partly due to my blood count taking time to recover after the second round of treatment.  They wanted me to be as healthy as possible before my body was knocked again.

In that period I had another bone marrow aspirate which showed I was still in remission and further clinic visits which passed without incident. It was very good to have some consistent time at home and enabled me to make plans for the boys Christmas presents.

Christmas decorations were retrieved from the garage of my previous house, luckily my ex was still working at this point and did not catch us. I also ordered presents on line as due to being neutropenic I could not go shopping. I wanted the boys to have a good Christmas with the presents they wanted even if I could not be at home with them. I knew if I was in hospital my mum and dad would bring them into visit, but I wanted them to be able to open their presents in their new home.

I was able to go into work and visit my friends.  It was really nice as I had not told them so surprised them all. They were really surprised at how well I looked and how good I looked since I had lost 2 and a half stone. The message was passed round work that I had come into the school and I had a wonderful time seeing all these people I was missing.  I even hugged one of my favorite students (it was done in full vision of other members of staff).  She is a delightful young women and I hope to be able to convince her of this when I return.

It upset me in away as this academic year I has started being a co-tutor and missed my tutor group and had a fabulous timetable and was missing my lessons.  There were other years I would have been glad to take time out due to some of the classes I had.

I was well enough to go to the staff Christmas Party at the Belmont Hotel in Leicester on the 7th December.  It was wonderful to get dressed up and feel normal.  My friends had organised it so that our department sat together so I could catch up with them all.  I also had chance to see other friends from the school. For a Christmas do the food was very good and we were all looked after.  I was unable to drink but it was very entertaining watching people who became worse for wear. I managed to stay to the end so was very pleased.

I was able to go on outings with my mum, we picked places and times of day when things were less busy so I came into contact with less people.  My sons also seemed  relieved to have me home. My youngest son and I put the Christmas decorations up at the beginning of December, including getting out his favorite Christmas Homer.

Christmas decorations

Christmas decorations (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The only dark cloud was my ex was in touch via email and accused me of making up my illness.  He sent various vile emails before he sent one to apologize.  I should have discontinued contact at that time but I still felt guilt for leaving him  and responsible for his welfare.  Now I realize he is a grown man and can look after himself.  He caused us to leave due to his alcoholism and behavior.

He used to hide his empties in the cupboards or on top of the kitchen cupboards, and when I found them said they had been there for ages. I was made to feel guilty for doubting him, now I know he was very manipulative, but he had eroded my self esteem, and I hated myself. I ate for comfort and was very overweight.  Chocolate was my solace and kept me from going mad.

We were banned from the kitchen whilst he was cooking, and meals took forever to be cooked as he was drinking in secret.  The food was often inedible because he was too drunk to keep an eye on it properly.  He masked the smell of his booze with energy drinks which smelt strongly of herbs on his breath.

I was too scared to confront him on many occasions as he was 6 foot 2 and weighed 24 stone.  He would deliberately back me against a wall so I could not escape then tower over me.  Looking back on many occasions I should have rang the police.

Luckily the boys seem to be moving on well and do not dwell on the past.  Both boys though want no contact with their dad.


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