Posted by: janedb | April 10, 2013

Home for Two Days

Breastfeeding symbol

Breastfeeding symbol (Photo credit: Topinambour)

I was released in the afternoon of January 2nd, I thought I felt alright but had diarrhea before I left the hospital.  I put it down to a reaction to antibiotics and did not worry or tell anyone.

That night I felt fine and the diarrhea seemed to have stopped but the next day Thursday January 4th I was not myself.  I thought I was just feeling depressed. My ex had sent some upsetting emails whilst I was in hospital and I thought he had just stirred up all my emotions, I had no idea what was going on inside me.

I first encountered depression after the birth of my eldest, looking back lack of support from his dad, breast feeding on demand, and trying to be a perfect mother using reusable nappies without a dryer in winter. The day before I gave birth he got me to go shopping in town, as he wanted a new music center. When I would not bend to his will whilst we were out shopping he walked off and left me on my own in the center of town. I was 13 days over due and was panic stricken, but I ended up having to apologize to him. We went home but contractions started, he had not got his music center so he took me to the local co-op superstore where he had me use my details for the financial agreement.

When I stayed in hospital more than 24 hours he complained that he was on his own, not what was best for me. I was struggling to breast feed and needed the midwifes  help.  When we did return home I was so low I did not use my seat belt in the car for the journey.

He had done nothing whilst I was in hospital and I had to put washing on and clean. The only washing that had been done was what my mum had took. I got complaints because the baby cried and he told me to shut him up. To him I was useless as I could not keep him from crying.  The baby slept very little and I think picked up on my anxiety so I could not put him down without him screaming. I remember doing the washing up and hanging clothes out with him in a sling.

With little sleep I could not stop crying, the midwives who visited were very good and got the doctor to visit and he prescribed antidepressants. These tablets has been a constant friend for most of the past 15 years. I did get off them for a while but on April 14th 2000 my baby was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia just before he was 2 and a half and my need for them reoccurred. I stayed in hospital with my eldest son. My ex blamed me for him getting ill as there was no cancer in his family. He was also jealous of the attention that my son required. Looking back he should not have had children as he resented their presence.

My eldest is now 6 foot plus and 15 years of age, to look at you would not know that he had been ill. He has to go for a once a year check up and a heart check every 3 years. Due to my eldest having been ill I wanted another son. I had no idea when I came off the pill that I would get pregnant so quick as it took time to get pregnant with my eldest. I had to resort to fertility kits to know when I was ovulating. As I got pregnant so quick it was my fault again, I was told I had done it on purpose, I had tricked and in a recent email I have been accused of practically raping him to have the youngest.

Living with this man I needed the antidepressants to be able to be a mother to the children. I slowly put on weight and was 17 stone when I was diagnosed. Comfort eating got me through. I am trying to find myself again. Due to being so ill in the first month of treatment I lost 2 and a half stone and I hope to loose more.  My boys keep me going, they are my priority.

The next 21 days were to put me at a low point I had not been since I left my ex.

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Responses

  1. I am sorry for all the pain you have suffered. I am so glad your son is healthy now. You will be soon too.

    • I am being treated in the same hospital as my son was, so I have every faith.


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